1. When an IT support engineer says he is coming right over, go away for a coffee. It's nothing for us to remember everyone's password.
2. When you call IT support to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures and other assorted rubbish. We don't have a life so we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
3. When IT support sends you an email with high importance, delete it immediately. We're just testing the public groups.
4. When an IT support engineer is eating his lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts out - we only exist to serve.
5. When an IT support engineer is having a smoke outside, ask him plenty of computer questions. The only reason we smoke is to ferret out those clients who don't have access to a phone or email.
6. Send urgent emails in UPPERCASE. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
7. When you call an IT support engineer's direct line, press 5 to skip the bilingual greeting that tells you he's out of the office for a week, record your message and wait exactly 24hrs before you send an email to the CEO because no-one ever returned your call. You are, after all, entitled to some common courtesy.
8. When the photocopier doesn't work, call IT support. After all, there's electronics in it. In fact, why not call them if the fax machine, desktop calculator, coffee machine or dishwasher stops working. They're all electronic too so must be IT's responsibility to sort them out.
9. When you're getting a NO DIAL TONE message from home, drop IT support an email so we can fix your line from the office.
10. When something is wrong with your home PC, dump it on an IT support engineer's desk with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a challenge.
11. When you have IT support on the phone walking you through changing a setting, read the paper. We don't actually mean for you to do anything, we just love the sound of our own voices.
12. When we offer training on a new software package, don't bother attending. We'll be there to hold your hand and spend 24/7 with you once it's completed.
13. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Everyone knows print jobs get sucked into black holes every now and again and 20 is around the trigger number.
14. When the printer STILL won't print after 20 attempts, send the job to every other printer in the building. One of them is bound to work.
15. Don't ever, ever, ever use online help - that is for wimps & people with no social or communication skills. It was only ever written into the application for a bit of a laugh anyway.
16. If you're taking night classes in computer science, feel free to go around and update the network drivers for you and all your co-workers. We're grateful for any overtime we can get.
17. When you have an IT support engineer fixing your PC at 12:30, eat your lunch in front of him. We function better when wracked with pangs of hunger.
18. Don't EVER thank us - we're paid for doing this. In fact feel free to be as rude and abrupt as you want.
19. When an IT support engineer asks if you've installed any software of messed around with any settings on your computer, LIE. It's not our business what you've got on your PC or what you do to it.
20. If the spacebar on your computer doesn't work, blame it on the Exchange Server upgrades we carried out earlier. Keyboards are actually very happy with half a pound of biscuit crumbs and nail clippings in them.
21. When you get a message "Are You Sure?", click on that YES button as fast as possible. Hell, if you weren't sure you wouldn't be doing it in the first place, would you?
22. Feel free to say things like "I don't know nothing about all that computer and technology crap". We don't mind hearing our area of expertise referred to as crap.
23. When you need to change a toner cartridge, call IT support. Changing the cartridge is an extremely technical task and Hewlett Packard recommends that it be performed only be a professional engineer with a masters degree in Nuclear Physics.
24. When something is the matter with your computer, ask your secretary to call the helpdesk. We enjoy the challenge of dealing with a third-party who knows nothing about the problem.
25. When you receive a 300MB AVI or MPGfile, send it on to everyone as a mail attachment. We've got loads of space on the server and the mail system is never busy enough.
26. Don't even think about breaking large print jobs down into smaller chunks. Someone else may sneak a memo into the queue.
27. If your son/daughter is a student in computer science, have him come in at the weekend and do projects on your work PC. We'll be there for you when his/her illegal copy of Visual Basic .net makes your Excel and Word 2011 disappear and riddles your PC and the network with viruses.
28. When you bring your own personal home PC in for repair in the office, please leave all disks and documentation at home. I'm sure we can find everything we need on the internet at the click of a finger.
