| Symptom | Fault | Action |
| Feet Cold & Wet | Glass being held at incorrect angle | Rotate glass so that the open end points towards the ceiling |
| Feet Warm & Wet | Improper bladder control | Stand next to nearest dog, complain about the house training |
| Beer Unusually pale and tasteless | Glass Empty | Get somebody to buy another beer for you |
| Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights | You have fallen over backwards | Have yourself lashed to the bar |
| Mouth contains cigarette butts | You have fallen forwards | See above |
| Beer Tasteless, front of your shirt is wet | Mouth not open or glass applied to wrong part of face | Retire to restroom, practice in mirror |
| Floor blurred | You are looking through bottom of empty glass | Get somebody to buy you another beer |
| Floor moving | You are being carried out | Find out if you're being taken to another bar |
| Room seems unusually dark | Bar has closed | Confirm home address with bartender |
| Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and texture | Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations | Cover Mouth |
| Everyone looks up to you and smiles | You are dancing on the table | Fall on somebody cushy-looking |
| Beer is crystal clear | It's water, somebody is attempting to sober you up | Punch him |
| Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear | You have been in a fight | Apologise to everyone you see just in case it was them |
| Don't recognise anyone, don't recognise the room you are in | You've wandered into the wrong party | See if they have any free beer |
| Your singing sounds distorted | The beer is too weak | Have more beer until your voice improves |
| Don't remember the words to the song | Beer is just right | Play air guitar |
