Humour - 100 Guidelines to becoming an "Evil Villain" Part 2
51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions in the hot friend of the hero's cell, I will
immediately transfer him to a less people-oriented position.
52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors
to examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and
abandoned tunnels that I might not know about.
53. If the hot friends of the hero that I capture says "I'll never
marry you! Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!", I will say "Oh
well" and kill her.
54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary.
55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their
place in my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on
important covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will
first see if there is anyone else equally qualified who would
attract less attention.
56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any
who cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be
used for target practice.
57. Before employing any captured artefacts or machinery, I will
carefully read the owner's manual.
58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
dramatically and toss off a one-liner.
59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am.
60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher
any code I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under
30 seconds, it will not be used. Note: this also applies to
passwords.
61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad
scheme?", I will not proceed until I have a response that
satisfies them.
62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a
fire fight.
63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors.
And they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about
flames going through accessible tunnels at predictable
intervals.
64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all
extremely unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which
could prove to be a disadvantage.
65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available
terminals, the maps they display of my complex will have a room
clearly marked as the Main
Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The
actual main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow
Containment.
66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner.
Anyone who watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts
the pad for fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by
repeating that sequence will trigger the alarm system.
67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will
be instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as
a full-scale emergency.
68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past.
This is only reasonable as it encourages others to do so.
However, the offer is good one time only. If they want me to
spare them again, they'd better save my life again.
69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by
creatures of the wild.
70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will
always travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so
that if one of them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the
other will immediately initiate an alert and call for backup,
instead of quizzically peering around a corner.
71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she
should be made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad
of marksmen standing by in case the answer is no.
72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device
and begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon
instead of using my unstoppable super-weapon on them.
73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged
contest, even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for
them to win.
74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so
that my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details,
I will not label the disk "Project Overlord" and leave it lying
on top of my desk.
75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en
masse, instead of standing around waiting while members break
off and attack one or two at a time.
76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and
struggle with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I
will also not engage him at the edge of a cliff. (In the middle
of a rope-bridge over a river of molten lava is not even worth
considering.)
77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the
hero the chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will
retain enough sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant
is out of earshot before making the offer.
78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken
alive!" The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is
reasonably practical."
79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as
soon as it has been employed it will be melted down and made
into limited-edition commemorative coins.
80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out
my best troops instead of wasting time with progressively
stronger ones as he gets closer and closer to my fortress.
81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have
disarmed him, and am about to finish him off and he glances
behind me and drops flat, I too will drop flat instead of
quizzically turning around to find out what he saw.
82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in
front of the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous,
unbalanced structure.
83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet,
then have to leave the table for any reason, I will order new
drinks for both of us instead of trying to decide whether or not
to switch with him.
84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the
opposite sex.
85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly
complicated, e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred
altar then activate the medallion at the moment of total
eclipse." Instead it will be more along the lines of "Push the
button."
86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and
properly grounded.
87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use.
Also, I will not construct walkways above them.
88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not
berate them for incompetence then send the same group out to try
the task again.
89. After I capture the hero's super-weapon, I will not immediately
disband my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever
holds the weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the
weapon and I took it from him.
90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation
is facing away from the door.
91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and
obviously agitated until my personal grooming or current
entertainment is finished. It might actually be important.
92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him.
Instead I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new
insight on the futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me
alone for a few months of quiet contemplation I will likely
return to the path of righteousness. (Heroes are incredibly
gullible in this regard.)
93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an
underling who failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the
hero is scheduled to go first.
94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop
and grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value.
95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete
with bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his
cell-mate tells the guard its an emergency, the guard will fetch
a trauma team instead of opening up the cell for a look.
96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control
panel on the outside seals the door and blasting the control
panel on the inside opens the door, not vice versa.
97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
reflective surfaces or anything that can be unravelled.
98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully
monitor their activities. If I find they are happy and
affectionate, I will ignore them. However if circumstance have
forced them together against their will and they spend all their
time bickering and criticizing each other except during the
intermittent occasions when they are saving each others' lives
at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I will
immediately order their execution.
99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in
size.
100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a
mindless trance, I will provide each of them with free unlimited
Internet access.
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