Humour - 100 Guidelines to becoming an "Evil Villain"
Part 1
World
domination is everyone's dream. It's not a bad job really. It
pays well, there are all sorts of perks and you can set your own
hours.
However, every Evil Villain I've read about in books or seen in
movies invariably gets overthrown and destroyed in the end.
I've noticed that no matter whether they are barbarian lords,
deranged wizards, mad scientists or alien invaders, they always
seem to make the same basic mistakes every single time.
Therefore, I have created these guidelines for conquering the
world:
1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear Plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones.
2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through.
3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not
kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.
4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies.
5. The artefact which is the source of my power will not be kept on
the Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the
Dragons of Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same
applies to the object which is my one weakness.
6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing
them.
7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you
kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I'll
say, "No." and shoot him. No, on second thought I'll shoot him
then say "No."
8. After I kidnap the hot girlfriend of the hero, we will be
married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish
spectacle in three weeks' time during which the final phase of
my plan will be carried out.
9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button
labelled "Danger: Do Not Push". The big red button marked "Do
Not Push" will instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone
stupid enough to disregard it. Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will
not clearly be labelled as such.
10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum - a
small hotel well outside my borders will work just as well.
11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no
need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or
leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose no threat.
12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any
flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected
before implementation.
13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several
rounds of ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the
bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well
as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after
the aforementioned disposal.
14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or
any other form of last request.
15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I
find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it
to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just
putting his plan into operation.
16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's
just one thing I want to know."
17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to
their advice.
18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned
attempt to usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a
fatal distraction at a crucial point in time.
19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was
evil, but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd
betray her own father.
20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge
in maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss
unexpected developments that a more attentive individual could
adjust to accordingly.
21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original
uniforms for my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap
knock-offs that make them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman
foot soldiers, or savage Mongol hordes. All were eventually
defeated and I want my troops to have a more positive mind-set.
22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power,
I will not consume any energy field bigger than my head.
23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my
troops in their use. That way -- even if the heroes manage to
neutralize my power generator and/or render the standard-issue
energy weapons useless -- my troops will not be overrun by a
handful of savages armed with spears and rocks.
24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and
weaknesses. Even though this takes some of the fun out of the
job, at least I will never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I
AM INVINCIBLE!!!" (After that, death is usually instantaneous.)
25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any
sort of machinery which is completely indestructible except for
one small and virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot.
26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are,
there is probably someone just as attractive who is not
desperate to kill me. Therefore, I will think twice before
ordering a prisoner sent to my bed chamber.
27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important
systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies.
For the same reason I will always carry at least two fully
loaded weapons at all times.
28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it
cannot escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble.
29. I will dress in bright and cheery colours, and so throw my
enemies into confusion.
30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and
cowardly thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death.
My foes will surely give up and abandon their quest if they have
no source of comic relief.
31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced
with surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no
unexpected reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or
his sidekick.
32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me
bad news just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good
messengers are hard to come by.
33. I will never employ the use of a major weapon that takes time to
charge up before firing and utterly destroying the rebel base.
Instead I will use weapons that can do the same thing with a
single push of a button.
34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps.
35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look
diabolic. Now they just make you look like a disaffected member
of Generation X.
36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell
block, let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners,
I will keep the only key to the cell door on my person instead
of handing out copies to every bottom-rung guard in the prison.
37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are
losing a battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted
lieutenant.
38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or
offspring anywhere, I will find them and have them killed
immediately, instead of waiting for them to grow up harbouring
feelings of vengeance towards me in my old age.
39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride
at the forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my
opposite number among his army.
40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an
unstoppable super-weapon, I will use it as early and as often as
possible instead of keeping it in reserve.
41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky
time-travel devices.
42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog,
monkey, ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal
capable of untying ropes and filching keys happens to follow him
around.
43. I will maintain a healthy amount of scepticism when I capture
the hot rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and
good looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let
him in on my plans.
44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who
work for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like
even the odds to give the other guy a sporting chance.
45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is
responsible for what in my organization. For example, if my
general screws up I will not draw my weapon, point it at him,
say "And here is the price for failure," then suddenly turn and
kill some random underling.
46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can
one man possibly do?", I will reply "This." and shoot the
advisor.
47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me,
I will slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of
waiting for him to mature.
48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or
technology with respect and kindness. Thus if the control is
ever broken, it will not immediately come after me for revenge.
49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artefact which can destroy
me, I will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I
will send them out to seize something else and quietly put a
Want-Ad in the local paper.
50. My main computers will have their own special operating system
that will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and
Macintosh Powerbooks.
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